[BITList] OILFIELD !!!

[FA]

An old southern country preacher from west Texas had a teenage son named 
David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to 
choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know 
what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One 
day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an 
experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whiskey and
- a Playboy magazine
I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'and 
when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he 
picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a 
blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman and that would 
be OK.

But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, 
Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a 
skirt-chasin' bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he 
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his 
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the 
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to 
inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked 
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the 
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, he's going 
into the oilfield.
_

_*_
_*
*After a bad blowout three oilfield workers are walking around the**
rigsite; a roughneck, an MWD hand, and a directional driller. As**
they're walking along the edge of the pad, they see a naked foot**
sticking out of a bush. When they investigate, they find the nude body***
*of the young female geologist. Her clothing must have been blown off***
*her body by an explosion.**

Out of respect and propriety, the roughneck immediately takes off his***
*hardhat and places it over her left breast. Quickly following suit, the***
*MWD hand takes off his hardhat and places it over her right breast.***
*They look at the directional driller. After much complaining and***
*grumbling, the directional driller places his hardhat over the young***
*woman's private parts.***

*The toolpusher quickly comes over to check the body. He lifts the***
*roughneck's hardhat and then puts it back down and hastely scribbles***
*some notes on his report. Then he lifts the MWD***
*hardhat and puts it back down and takes some more notes. Finally he***
*lifts the directional driller's hardhat and sets it back down.***
*Hesitating, he bends back over, lifts it up and looks again, then sets***
*it down. Still unsure of what to do, he looks a third time underneath***
*the directional driller's hardhat. Annoyed, the directional driller***
*asks him "what's wrong with you? Are you some kind of pervert?" *

*"Well," said the toolpusher, "I am just simply surprised. Normally, *
*when you look under a directional driller's hat... you find an a**hole." *
*
*
*
*
*/This old boy from South Louisiana was working the derrick in Brazil. 
Every day on his tower he would see this monkey watching him from a 
tree, so he started bringing up bananas and feeding the monkey. Well it 
didn't take long and that monkey was in the derrick with him and he 
taught the monkey how to rack pipe. After a few days the derrick hand 
didn't have to do anything. The monkey was doing it all. Well the rig 
hand got laid off. He went home to South Louisiana. He sat home for 6 
months then the phone rang. They wanted to know if he wanted his derrick 
job back in Brazil. Right away he said" Uhuh Y'all finally figured out 
that I was better than that monkey huh?" They said" No sir, the monkey 
made toolpusher, he's the one said to call you."


/*
*This roughneck went to the hardware store. The attendant asked what he 
needed and he told him he needed a wrench. When asked what type of 
wrench, the roughneck replied "It don't make no difference I'm going to 
ues it for a hammer anyway.*

**
*

**
*In a recent government experiment, an Architect, an Engineer, and a 
Roughneck were rounded up. Each was put in a private room and given 
three steel ball bearings. They were instructed to utilize their 
background to design a useful project.*
*
*
After an hour, the architect was interviewed. He had stacked his balls 
one on top of each other. In explanation, he said, "This is the time 
tested design the material warrants. It's beauty and elegance dates all 
the way back to the Roman columns ..... "

In the engineers room, he had stacked his bearings in a pyramid. "This 
design will take 10.3 on the reicter scale, a cat 5 hurricane, and is 
fire resistant. It is structurally sound and can be built at low 
cost.....", he explained.

When the officials entered the roughnecks room, they found him lean'n 
against the wall with his hands in his pockets and no bearings to be 
seen. "Where is your project?" they asked. "Well, I lost one, broke one, 
and the other one's in my lunch box. I'm carrying it home."*
*
*
*
*

*In The Oilfield:
A SALESMAN starts out knowing a great deal about one thing and goes on 
learning more and more about less and less, until he knows practically 
everything about nothing.

An ENGINEER starts out knowing a little about many things and goes out 
learning less and less about more and more, until he knows practically 
nothing about everything

TOOLPUSHERS and COMPANYMEN start out knowing everything about 
everything, but end up knowing nothing about nothing because of their 
association with SALESMEN and ENGINEERS.

DRILLERS, on the other hand, know everything about everything and end up 
knowing everything 'bout everything due to their total disregard of 
advise given by SALESMEN, ENGINEERS, TOOLPUSHERS and COMPANYMEN

*
*
*


*A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on 
display. While he was there, a petroleum engineer from a nearby office 
walked in and said to the storekeeper, "I'll take a rig hand monkey 
please." The storekeeper nodded, went to the side of the store, and took 
out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to 
the engineer, saying, "That'll be $2000." The man paid and left with the 
monkey." The surprised tourist went to the storekeeper and said, "That 
was a very expensive monkey. Most monkeys are only a few hundred 
dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The storekeeper answered, "Ah, 
that's a rig monkey. He can rig up, plan rig moves, rewind motors, tail 
pipe, paint, pull maintenance, all with no back talk or complaints. It's 
well worth the money." The tourist then spotted a monkey in another 
cage. "That one's even more expensive!! $10,000 !! What does it do??" he 
asked. "Oh, that one" replied the storekeeper. " That's a Rig Manager 
monkey. It can instruct at levels of maintenance, run the safety 
program, deal with clients, and even do some paper work. A very useful 
monkey indeed." The tourist looked around a little longer and found a 
third monkey in a cage. The price tag was $50,000. The shocked tourist 
exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together !!. 
What in the world can it do??". "Actually," said the shopkeeper, "I've 
never really seen him do anything but drink beer and whiskey and make 
alot of noise, but his papers say he's a Company Man."**
*





-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://lists.bcn.mythic-beasts.com/pipermail/bitlist/attachments/20121123/8e4611fd/attachment-0001.html