[BITList] Jokes

[michael J Feltham]

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> Good ones keep on coming around…
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> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked me why, I replied,
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....
> ______________________________ __
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
> 'No,' she answered.
> I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And that's when the fight started...
> ______________________________ __
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> And that's when the fight started.....
> ______________________________ _
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>  My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> "Yes", she sighed,
> "He's my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
> "My God!"  I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
> And then the fight started...
> ______________________________ __
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> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.  Always something more important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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>  My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> I said, "Dust."
> And then the fight started...
> ______________________________ __
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> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
> And then the fight started......
> ______________________________
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> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability too.'
> And then the fight started...
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> ______________________________ __
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> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
> And then the fight started........
> ______________________________ __
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>  I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
> He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
> So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
> That's how the fight started.
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> ooroo

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