[BITList] : A laugh........some not quite P.C.

[Malcolm]

  _____  

 

 

 

 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next shit could spell disaster. 

***************************** 

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting .
so, at least I got home OK 

**************************** 

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we
should hold auditions for her part. 

**************************** 

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. 

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. 

"German," she replies. 

"Occupation? 

"No, just here for a few days." 

****************************** 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's
funeral, a voice from inside screams :
"I'm not dead,  I'm not dead.  Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done" 

****************************** 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. 

****************************** 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were
going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot
better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on. 

****************************** 
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30. 

******************************* 
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the
interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability
test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?" 

******************************* 

I came home one night and proudly announced to me Dad that I had S E X for
the first time.
He said "I hope you took precautions?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Did you wear a condom?"

"Nah, but I kept me balaclava on." 

****************************** 

"Jesus Loves You." 

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison. 

**************************** 

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. 

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in. 

***************************** 

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim
sneaking through next door's garden. 

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a
shovel killing him instantly. 

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. 

Astonished, I got back into bed. 

My wife said "Darling you're shaking, what is it?" 

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said,
"That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

 

 

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