[BITList] Book on manners for rednecks

[FA]

            *Tips...From the Redneck Book of Manners*
            *1.*
            	
            *Never take a beer to a job interview.*
            *2.*
            	
            *Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.*
            *3.*
            	
            *It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.*
            *4.*
            	
            *If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
            sheets.*
            *5.*
            	
            *Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
            it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the
            funeral home.*
            *Dining Out*
            *1.*
            	
            *If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
            your fingers covering the label.*
            *2.*
            	
            *Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
            restaurant may not have dogs.*
            *ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME*
            *1.*
            	
            *A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
            prepared by a taxidermist.*
            *2.*
            	
            *Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good
            his manners are.*
            *PERSONAL HYGIENE*
            *1.*
            	
            *While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
            should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys*
            *2.*
            	
            *Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
            days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of
            good money.*
            *3.*
            	
            *Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
            they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the
            taste of finger foods.*
            *DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)*
            *1.*
            	
            *Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
            first date.*
            *2.*
            	
            *Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been
            wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
            bathroom wall two years ago.'*
            *3.*
            	
            *Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
            Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the
            latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
            her to school on time.*
            *4.*
            	
            *Always have a positive comment about your date's
            appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat
            gal.'*
            *WEDDINGS*
            *1.*
            	
            *Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.*
            *2.*
            	
            *Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.*
            *3.*
            	
            *For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
            cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty
            an appearance.*
            *4.*
            	
            *Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this
            special occasion.*
            *5.*
            	
            *It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife
            is in the sack.*
            *DRIVING ETIQUETTE*
            *1.*
            	
            *Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
            gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.*
            *2.*
            	
            *When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
            largest tires always has the right of way.*
            *3.*
            	
            *Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.*
            *4.*
            	
            *When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas
            can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.*
            *5.*
            	
            *Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
            when driving.*
            *6.*
            	
            *Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.*
            *TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:*
            *1.*
            	
            *All the DNA is the same.*
            *2.*
            	
            *There are no dental records*



-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://lists.bcn.mythic-beasts.com/pipermail/bitlist/attachments/20131114/ffe5fc55/attachment-0001.htm