[BITList] Nelson at Trafalgar 2013
X50type
x50type at cox.net
Fri Aug 16 21:52:41 BST 2013
Good the first two or three times round -- but now not so much.
Ct
Sent from my iPad3
On Aug 16, 2013, at 4:38 AM, FA <franka at iinet.net.au> wrote:
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> All the HSE types will REALLY enjoy this one.......
> even if it is just but an update on an old one
> frank
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> <mime-attachment.gif>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.gif><!--[endif]-->
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson (reading aloud): " 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.gif><!--[endif]-->Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace
>>>>>> to steel the men before battle."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead."
>>>>>> <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.gif><!--[endif]-->
>>>>>> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 10 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>>>>>> <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.gif><!--[endif]-->Nelson: "What?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir, no harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.gif><!--[endif]-->Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fore-deck Admiral."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently- abled."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of
>>>>>> the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.gif><!--[endif]-->Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats, and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> <mime-attachment.gif>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.jpg><!--[endif]-->
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "We're <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.gif><!--[endif]-->not? Pray tell me why?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules. It could save your life"
>>>>>> <!--[if !vml]--><mime-attachment.jpg><!--[endif]-->
>>>>>> Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, the lash and sodomy?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal sir."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> _.____._,___
>>>>>>
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> --
> Paul Scrafton
> Phone: +61754837478
> Mobile: +61(0)447548241
> Skype: paulscrafton
>
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