[BITList] Crazy English Language - excellent and hillariousl

[M.j. Feltham]

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>> You might have heard it live or read it before but always great
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>> The English Plural
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>> according to....
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>> We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
>> But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
>> One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
>> Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
>> You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
>> Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
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>> If the plural of man is always called men,
>> Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
>> If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
>> And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
>> If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
>> Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
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>> Then one may be that, and there would be those,
>> Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
>> And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
>> We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
>> But though we say mother, we never say methren.
>> Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
>> But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
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>> Let's face it - English is a crazy language. 
>> There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; 
>> Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 
>> English muffins weren't invented in England.
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>> We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
>> We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, 
>> And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
>> And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, 
>> Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
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>> Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
>> If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
>> What do you call it?
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>> If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? 
>> If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
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>> Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
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>> Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
>> In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
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>> We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
>> We have noses that run and feet that smell.
>> We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
>> And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
>> While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
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>> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
>> In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
>> In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
>> And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
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>> And in closing...
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>> If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???
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