[BITList] Fwd: Australians

[David Harvey]

John Davidson wanted it Frank, not me, but Mike Feltham has already sent it
to him

Ta anyway

Dave

On 18 January 2012 22:25, franka <franka at iinet.net.au> wrote:

>  Sorry John meant to say John
>
> think this is the one
> frank
>
> *WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)*
> *
> We,** **the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
> wanker.
> We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from** **New
> Zealand)
> And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the
> right to bitch
> And moan about it whenever we bloody like.
>
> We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
>
> First, there's Victoria , named after a queen who didn't believe in
> lesbians.
> Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day
> and big horse races.
> Its capital is** **Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's
> livable'..
> At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody
> cold and wet.
>
> Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
> Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
> Its capital, Sydney , has more queens than any other city in the world and
> is proud of it.
> Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their speedos up their cracks to
> keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
>
> Down south we have Tasmania , a state based on the notion that the family
> that bonks together stays together.
> In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.
> Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
>
> South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
> foreigners and bizarre axe murders. **
> SA** is the state of innovation.
> Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels
> as in Snowtown,
> Just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
> They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the track caused
> the Formula
> One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
>
> Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim
> to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the
> men would get erections on the bus on the way to work, and the extra sun
> would fade the curtains
> WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still
> work there in the
> Government and business.
>
> The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
> stations the size of Europe , Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty
> kids with big smiles.
> It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its
> creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too.
> Although the Territory is the center piece of our national culture, few of
> us live there
> And the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali .
>
> And there's Queensland .............While any mention of God seems silly
> in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth noting
> that God probably made Queensland- it's beautiful one day and perfect the
> next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
>
> Oh yes, and there's Canberra . The least said the better.
>
> We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
> and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
> lust for international recognition.
> Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.
>
> We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be right
> mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our national anthem. (So
> what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)
>
> We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
> sailing race
> And still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all
> the sports that count,
> Like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.
>
> We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed
> Olympians in the known universe.
>
> We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
> Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
> Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
>
> I am, you are, we are Australian.*
>
>
>
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