[BITList] Fwd: Jokes only understood in Scotland

[John Feltham]

Salaam Hugh Sahib,

This one came to me from India, this evening!

ooroo



Begin forwarded message:


 
Is this set of very Scottish jokes perhaps a bit too rude for any online word list? some readers may also need a Scott to translate some of them, and a Glaswegian accent might help. What do you think?
 
 
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies. 

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..?
Oor Wullie. 

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter
'That's affy dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right' replies the bloke 

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' 

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight. 

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
Dark tan yin. 

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me masel,' he replies. 

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.' 

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu. 

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan. 

'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get offa my cloud.'
And an Aberdeensheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get offa ma ewe. 

'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly bastard. 

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line. 

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.' 

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street  when he  spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' comes the reply.
'Aye, same as masel...'



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