[BITList] Escalating security levels

[John Feltham]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist  
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to  
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to  
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

   The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940  
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised  
from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British  
issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of  
1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get  
the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason  
they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last  
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its  
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in  
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by  
a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively  
paralysing the country's military capability.

   It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.  
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"  
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:  
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful  
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also  
have two higher levels:    "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only  
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to  
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new  
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of  
their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to  
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a  
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some  
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more  
level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and  
rescue us".

  Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No  
worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels  
remain, "Crikey!," "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this  
weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever  
warranted use of the final escalation level.





Sell your old one fast! Time for a new car?

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://lists.bcn.mythic-beasts.com/pipermail/bitlist/attachments/20100130/e8813e8e/attachment.shtml