[BITList] Colonoscopies

[John Feltham]

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an  
appointment
for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a  
colour
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that  appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly  through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't  
really
hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,  quote, 'HE'S  
GOING
TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a  
prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now  
suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of  
America's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that  
day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, and  
then
you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a litre is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug.

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a  
hint of
lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'  This is kind of like saying that after you jump  
off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.

I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a
space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle.

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
violently.

You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as  
far
as I can tell, your bowels travel into the  future and start eliminating
food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.

I was very nervous.

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.

I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a  
friend
for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood  
and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I  
went
inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one  
of
those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts - the kind  that,  
when
you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when  you are  
actually
naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was  
already
lying down.

Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it   
to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.

You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,  
where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthetist.

I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
there somewhere.

I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthetist began  
hooking
something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs  that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing  Queen'  
had to
be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell  
you, in
explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.

Really.

I slept through it.

One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking  
up
in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.

I felt excellent.

I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and  
that
my colon had passed with flying colours.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

ABOUT THE WRITER:

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami
Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous.....
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their

Colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet?

    Are we there yet?

    Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.............

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'




ooroo

Bad typists of the word, untie.