[BITList] Complaint to police

[John Feltham]

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an  
angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin  
police  station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the  
idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your  
colleagues  in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or  
Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments  
(I  think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just  
off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a   
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This  
causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire   
building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring  
system  works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through  
several  bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so  
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a  
saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a  beaver on ecstasy  
pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited   
attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between  
the  two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off  
then I  would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to  
lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with  
them  and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless   
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt  
with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath  
night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a  
Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This  
will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen  
actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these  
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month  
head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the  
problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you  
have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend  
an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details   
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my  
original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police  
Station,  and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris  
McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community  
Beat Officer

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the  
five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never  
seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and  
infiltrated the  gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the  
moustache on his forehead or the one  with a chin like a wash hand  
basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by  
MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking  
place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian  
without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman  
to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to  
these twats that they might want to play their strange football game  
elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within  
spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being  
the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free  
to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to  
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you  
don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in  
contact !!!




ooroo

If you don't hear the knock of opportunity - build a door.

Anon.



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