[BITList] Heaven.

[John Feltham]

Begin forwarded message:

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister john Howard falls over, has  
a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his  
nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the  
Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you  
settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist  
around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,'  
says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that  
since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to  
spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose  
where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies  
Howard.

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with  
that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down,  
down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect  
22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in  
front of it is Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who  
had helped him out over the years.  The whole of the Liberal Party  
leaders were there ..
Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good  
times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.  
The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, 'Have a  
tequila and relax, John!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Howard, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry  
and it just gets better from there!'

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he  
thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like  
himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the  
Liberal Party pulled with their master strokes on Education,  
Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's  
time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on  
the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is  
waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says,  
opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,  
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things  
other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or  
short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the  
food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are  
all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated  
like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Menzies never prepared me  
for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day  
in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for  
Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background,  
Howard reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never  
have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and  
all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down,  
all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren  
scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland,  
looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian  
outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained  
together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black  
plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands  
black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I  
don't understand,' stammers a shocked Howard, 'Yesterday I was here  
and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and  
caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now  
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were  
campaigning; today you voted for us!



ooroo

If you don't hear the knock of opportunity - build a door.

Anon.



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