[BITList] Fwd: Today's thoughts

[michael J Feltham]

> 
> The police knocked on my door this morning. 
> “Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” they asked.
> “No" I said.
> “What about G.D. then?”
> “No, means nothing to me.” I said.
> “How about A.J.?”
> “Look,” I said, “am I suspected of something?”
> “No Sir” they said. “We're just making some initial enquiries.”
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> My in-laws bought me some roller-blades from Poundland for my birthday.
> Cheapskates! 
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> My Dad has been fired from his job fixing the roads. I should have known something was wrong when I went to his house. All the signs were there.
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> Is there a shorter way to write the word "number"?
> No.
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> There was a woman chasing a bus, she just managed to flag it down and the bus driver stopped and opened his doors. 
> The woman, panting for breath, said “I’m not catching the bus, I just needed to tell you I’m vegan.”
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> The police arrested me today for stealing Parsley, Sage and Rosemary. Now I’m doing time.
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> Black Beauty... Now there's a dark horse.
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> I know it’s a long shot but has anyone ever drunk a yard of whisky?
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> I once went out with a cross-eyed girl. I soon packed her in though - she was seeing someone on the side.
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> Man: I have terrible trouble with my bowels. 
> Doctor: Really? Are you regular?
> Man: Absolutely. Seven thirty every morning on the dot. 
> Doctor: So what seems to be the problem?
> Man: I don't wake up until quarter past eight.
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> Just received the following text from Midge Ure: " Avnjpgtjo*!*DDx"
> To be honest, this means nothing to me.
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> Two Chinese blokes are robbing a distillery. 
> One says to the other: "Is this whisky?"
> The other bloke says: "Yes, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank."
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> I wouldn't say my local pub was tough but the first question in the pub quiz was "Oi! Who the f*** do you think you're looking at?"
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> I've applied for a job at a prison, teaching English literature to the inmates. 
> The job's got prose and cons.
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> "i" before "e" except when your feisty foreign neighbor Keith leisurely receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from caffeinated atheist weightlifters. Weird!
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> I have just learned 25 letters of the alphabet - why I don’t know.
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> I picked up a hitch-hiker today. He thanked me and was surprised that I’d stopped. He asked ‘how do you know I’m not a serial killer?’
> I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car are very slight.
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> I've sold all my John Lennon albums on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.
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> Our family was so poor that at Christmas we couldn't afford presents, so we exchanged glances. 
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> I was in an Indian restaurant. The waiter asked me "Curry OK?" 
> I said "I might do ‘I Will Survive’ when I’ve finished."
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> My girlfriend is a stunner!
> She works in an abattoir.
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> I got a job as a street cleaner. They didn't tell me what to do with the litter, said I would just pick it up as I went along.
> 
> NEW HOME WANTED !!!!!
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> This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Sheppard puppy, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so I am now urgently looking to find her a new home.
> She is 35 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook, good with kids and keeps a clean house.... 
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