[BITList] Fwd:Elderly banking - getting one back!

[Michael Feltham]

Begin forwarded message:
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> Some very good ones keep on coming around….
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>  Elderly banking - getting one back!
> Elderly Banking... ..............PRICELESS!!  Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old woman. 
> The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. 
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> Dear Sir: 
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> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between 
> his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. 
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> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. 
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> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. 
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> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone 
> calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. 
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> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. 
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> My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially 
> to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. 
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> Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. 
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> Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. 
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> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. 
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> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, 
> debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. 
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> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. 
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> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone 
> bank service. 
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> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. 
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> Let me level the playing field even further. 
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> When you call me, press buttons as follows: 
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> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH 
> #1. To make an appointment to see me. 
> #2. To query a missing payment. 
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 
> #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 
> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 
> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a 
> later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. 
> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again 
> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering 
> service. 
> #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. 
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> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. 
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> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. 
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> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? 
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> Your Humble Client 
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> And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off. 
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> ooroo
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