[BITList] Medical exams. Very Funny.

[John Feltham]

G'day Folks,

These are very old ones.

ooroo



MEDICAL EXAMS .... actual physician experiences.
 
 
  1. Man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have
 her baby in the cab.'I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
 lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
 Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in
  the wrong one.
 
 Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco
 
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
  and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
 
  'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
  'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
 
  Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA
 
  3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
  news when I told a wife that her husband had
  died of a massive myocardial infarct.
 
  Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
  reporting to the rest of the family that he had
  died of a 'massive internal fart.'
 
  Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
 
  4. During a patient's two week follow-up
  appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
  me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
  one of his medications.
  'Which one?'. I asked. 'The patch..
  The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours  and now I'm
  running out of places to put it!'  I had him quickly undress and
  discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
 
  Now, the instructions include: "Please remove
  the old patch before applying a new one."
 
  Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
 
 
  5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,  I asked,
  'How long have you been bedridden?'>> After a look of complete
confusion she answered .'  Why, not for  about twenty years - when my
husband was alive.'
 
  Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-  Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the
  hospital one morning and while checking
  up on a man I asked . . .'So how's your
  breakfast this morning?' "It's very good
  except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
  to get used to the taste," Bob replied.
  I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
  a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
 
  7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman
  with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
  variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . .. . It
  was quickly determined that  the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
  scheduled for immediate surgery.
  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
  noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there
  was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery
was completed, the surgeon
  wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
  which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
 
AND FINALLY!!
  8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
  embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my
  embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
 
  The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing  this exam
  suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
  I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . 'I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?'
  She replied with tears running down
  her cheeks from laughing so hard.
 
  'No doctor but the song you were whistling was .
  'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
 
  Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
 
  ONE MORE My Favorite
 
 
  Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
 
  A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,  waiting
  for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
 
  The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
  checked his weight, and being a little concerned,  asked if the
  baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
 
  She did.. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
  breasts  for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
 
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this
baby is underweight.  

You don't have any milk.’ 

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, 

But I'm glad I came.
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