[BITList] More Jokes

[John Feltham]

Some very good old ones here….
 
 
I just send them on so don’t need any credit or blame thanks!
 
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."   

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."      

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." 

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." 

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" 

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.."     

"What about that eye patch?" 

"Oh," said  the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."       

"You're  kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."  

"Well" said the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook.”

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A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
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A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.  
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?" 
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." 
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It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:  
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 
"What are my choices?" the man asked.  
"Yes or no," she replied.
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Q: What do you call dental X-rays?
A: Tooth picks.
Q: What do you call a group of babies?
A: Infantry.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
A: He pasta away.
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lactose. 
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A: A dinosnore.
Q: Which way did the programmer go?
A: He went data way.
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet.
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?
A: An investigator.
Q: Are mountains just funny? 
A: No. They are hill areas.
Q: why didn't the bicycle stand up on its own?
A: It was two tired.
Q: What did the window feel when it was hit by a stone?
A: It felt the pane.



ooroo




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