[BITList] Jokes for a while

[John Feltham]

These should last you for a while eh?

Read one a day!




The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. 

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never came back! 
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff." 

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. 
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" 
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." 
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality." 

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. 
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it." 
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!" 

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. 
"What are you doing?" he asks. 
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies. 
"It should be round your neck," says the guard. 
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." 

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. 
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. 
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, 
"Why are you throwing them away?" 
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy. 
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
'That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's left breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' 
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?' 
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either. 

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden." 

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52.

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work; if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. 
Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" 
Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.” 


ooroo