[BITList] L.O.L.

[FA]

    *The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
    vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death*
    *
    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As
    I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
    coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
    thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!*
    *
    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
    our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can
    get one cheaper off the web.*
    *
    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
    check her balance, so I pushed her over.*
    *
    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
    move.*

    *I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.  The driver
    was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
    myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.**

    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
    **
    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
    believe that, 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my
    Bagpipes.**

    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that"
    says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"**
    **
    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
    girlfriend yet.**

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
    reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said
    she would like to come back as a cow.
    I said "You're obviously not listening."
    **
    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
    worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.**

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in
    London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
    **
    Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes
    and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red
    spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.*


    *The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
    when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
    no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
    **
    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
    wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
    What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
    the bloody thing!**

    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed
    six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker
    could be following some kind of pattern.
    **
    Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
    eat it!**

    A teddy bear is working on a building site.  He goes for a tea break
    and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
    angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the
    bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy
    bears have their pick nicked."*
    *
    Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"  "I'm
    sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"**

    Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
    head with a tennis ball.
    It was a lovely service.
    **
    19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of
    you?"  Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."**

    An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,
    swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
    It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.*

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