[BITList] As We Progress into 2016.

[John Feltham]

G'day folks,
 
As we progress into 2016, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. 
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
 
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't eat continental cucumbers.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs  sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
 
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a  huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas  from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy  hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
 
Oh, and by the way...
 
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
 
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
 
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD YEAR.



ooroo