[BITList] British Humour

[John Feltham]

Some good old ones keep on coming around….


From a correspondent…


  




I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, 

a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

________________________________________

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

________________________________________

After both suffering from depression for a while, 

me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

________________________________________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, 

not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered “ the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

________________________________________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

________________________________________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed 

a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked 

him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" 

I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

________________________________________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. 

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, 

but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, 

six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?”