[BITList] Tools Explained
FA
franka at iinet.net.au
Wed Jul 1 15:14:58 BST 2015
*Subject:*Tools Explained
*_DRILL PRESS_*:
A tall upright machine useful forsuddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the
corner where nothing could get to it.
*_WIRE WHEEL_*:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'
**
*_SKILL SAW_*:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
*_PLIERS_*:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
*
_BELT SANDER_*:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*_HACKSAW_*:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
**
*_VISE-GRIPS_*:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
**
*_OXYACETYLENE TORCH_*:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race..
*_TABLE SAW_*:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
*_HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK_*:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
**
*_BAND SAW_*:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily
fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.
**
*_TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST_*:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
**
*_PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER_*:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.
*_STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER_*:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
*_PRY BAR_*:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
**
*_HOSE CUTTER_*:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
*_HAMMER_*:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
**
*_UTILITY KNIFE_*:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
*_Son of a bitch TOOL_*:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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