[BITList] Fwd: Seniors Banking...BLOODY BRILIANT

[Michael Feltham]

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>  Oh………..how I admire this woman  !!!!!
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> >>> Dear Sir:
> >>>
> >>> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
> >>> endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
> >>>
> >>> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
> >>> his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
> >>> funds needed to honor it..
> >>>
> >>> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
> >>> pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
> >>> eight years.
> >>>
> >>> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
> >>> opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of
> >>> penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
> >>>
> >>> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
> >>> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
> >>> whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, ---
> >>> when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
> >>> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
> >>> become.
> >>>
> >>> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
> >>> flesh-and-blood person.
> >>>
> >>> My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
> >>> longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
> >>> addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your
> >>> bank whom you must nominate.
> >>>
> >>> Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other
> >>> person to open such an envelope.
> >>>
> >>> Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your
> >>> chosen employee to complete.
> >>>
> >>> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
> >>> much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
> >>> alternative.
> >>>
> >>> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> >>> countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details
> >>> of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
> >>> liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
> >>>
> >>> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with
> >>> a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> >>>
> >>> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
> >>> have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to
> >>> access my account balance on your phone bank service.
> >>>
> >>> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> >>>
> >>> Let me level the playing field even further.
> >>>
> >>> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
> >>>
> >>> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
> >>>
> >>> #1. To make an appointment to see me
> >>>
> >>> #2. To query a missing payment.
> >>>
> >>> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> >>>
> >>> #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> >>>
> >>> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> >>> nature.
> >>>
> >>> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> >>>
> >>> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> >>> computer is required.
> >>>
> >>> Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
> >>> Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
> >>>
> >>> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9
> >>>
> >>> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> >>>
> >>> The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> >>> automated answering service.
> >>>
> >>> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
> >>> music will play for the duration of the call.
> >>>
> >>> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> >>> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> >>>
> >>> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
> >>> Year?
> >>>
> >>> Your Humble Client
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> 
> No virus found in this message.
> Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
> Version: 2014.0.4570 / Virus Database: 3931/7425 - Release Date: 05/01/14
> No virus found in this message.
> Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
> Version: 2014.0.4570 / Virus Database: 3931/7433 - Release Date: 05/02/14

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