[BITList] Lizard Birth - This is Priceless!

[John Feltham]

  Lizard  Birth"

If you have raised  kids (or been one), and gone through the pet  syndrome, including toilet flush burials for  dead goldfish, the story below will have you  laughing out  LOUD!

Overview:  I had to take my son's lizard to the  vet.

Here's what  happened:

Just after dinner one night, my  son came up to tell me there was "something  wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds  prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying  there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,  Dad. Can you help?" 

I  put my best lizard-healer expression on my face  and followed him into his bedroom. One of the  little lizards was indeed lying on his back,  looking stressed. I immediately knew what to  do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the  lizard!”

"Oh,  my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having  babies." 

"What?"  my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and  Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally  outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I  thought we said we didn't want them to  reproduce," I said accusingly to my  wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do,  post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I  think she actually said this  sarcastically!)

"No, but you were  supposed to get two  boys!” 

"Yeah,  Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. 

"Well,  it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,  you know," she informed me. (Again with the  sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family  had gathered to see what was going on. I  shrugged, deciding to make the best of  it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous  experience," I announced. "We're about to  witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh,  gross!" they shrieked. 

We  peered at the patient. After much struggling,  what looked like a tiny foot would appear  briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 

"We  don't appear to be making much progress," I  noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered,  horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son  urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I  reached in and grabbed the foot when it next  appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It  disappeared. I tried several more times with the  same results.

"Should I call 911?" my  eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe  they could talk us through the trauma." (You see  a pattern here with the females in my  house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I  said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son  holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe,  Ernie, breathe," he urged. 

The  vet took Ernie back to the examining room and  peered at the little animal through a magnifying  glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a  C-section?" I suggested  scientifically.

"Oh, very  interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.  Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a  moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to  step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be  okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh,  perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is  not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to  happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a  young male. And occasionally, as they come into  maturity, like most male species, they um . . um  . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on  his back." He blushed, glancing at my  wife.

We were silent,  absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just .  . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly,"  the vet replied, relieved that we  understood. 

More  silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to  giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh  loudly.

Tears were now running down her  face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you  pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . .  “

She gasped for more air to bellow in  laughter once more.

"That's enough," I  warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled  the lizard and our son back into the car. He was  glad everything was going to be okay.

"I  know Ernie's really thankful for what you did,  Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"  my wife agreed, collapsing with  laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One  cage: $50.

Trip to the vet:  $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a  lizard's winkie: 

Priceless!

Moral  of the story: Pay attention in biology  class.

Lizards lay  eggs!


ooroo

Every day is a long weekend, when you're retired, 
but you don't get any public holidays!





-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://lists.bcn.mythic-beasts.com/pipermail/bitlist/attachments/20140204/68b02736/attachment.htm