[BITList] Those fabulous old Jewish comedians

[FA]

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of vaudeville days:

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan 
Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho 
Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, 
George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, 
Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel  Brooks, Phil 
Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, 
Mansel Rubenstein and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few 
examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the 
airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever 
finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making 
love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The 
thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; 
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called 
it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the 
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud 
fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his 
bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came 
back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What 
did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought 
here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part 
in the play. She asks,"What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part 
of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell 
the teacher you want a speaking part."

* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. 
Let's eat.

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the 
street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force 
yourself," she replied.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20%  off.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!



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