[BITList] "Britannia waives the rules"

[John Feltham]

http://www.bairdmaritime.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=14188:britannia-waives-the-rules&catid=112:knee-deep&Itemid=206#.UbcH1NFSKxk.facebook
 
“Britannia waives the rules”

Tuesday, 11 June 2013 12:14




The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS ‘Daring’ and HMS ‘Dauntless’, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS ‘Cautious’ and HMS ‘Prudence’.

The next five ships are to be named HMS ‘Empathy’, HMS ‘Circumspect’, HMS ‘Nervous’, HMS ‘Timorous’ and HMS ‘Apologist’.

Costing £850 million each (USD1.3 billion), the vessels meet the needs of the twenty-first century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day, and each ship will have its on-board industrial relations tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week, in line with Brussels health and safety rules (this includes during wartime). All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the night clubs and gay discos.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, bum and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration, which is to be replaced by sparkling water.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "hello sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crewmembers will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches (and this applies equally to women crewmembers).

The Ministry of Defence is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS ‘Cautious’ is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony in which a petrol bomb will be broken over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of immigrants from EU nations across the channel to beaches on England 's south coast.

"While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being upgraded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels," said the Prime Minister.

His final words were: "Britannia waives the rules."



ooroo


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