[BITList] Fw: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

[John Davison]

 Straight Faces?
 


 
  
 
  A real Classic! 

Subject: FW: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight 
Faces? 
 



 


 
>> 
>>>>Subject:   How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight  Faces?  
>>>> 
>>>> 
>>>><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->       
>>>>·         TOO  FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
>>>>How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight 
        Faces?
>>>>
>>>>These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are 
        things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and 
        published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while 
        the exchanges were taking place.
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What was the first 
        thing your husband said to you that morning?
>>>>WITNESS: He said, 'Where 
        am I, Cathy?'
>>>>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>>>WITNESS: My 
        name is Susan!
>>>>_______________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: What gear 
        were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>>>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and 
        Reeboks.
>>>>____________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: 
        Are you sexually active?
>>>>WITNESS: No, I just lie 
        there.
>>>>____________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: What 
        is your date of birth?
>>>>WITNESS: July 18th.
>>>>ATTORNEY: What 
        year?
>>>>WITNESS: Every 
        year.
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: How old is 
        your son, the one living with you?
>>>>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or 
        thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived 
        with you?
>>>>WITNESS: Forty-five 
        years.
>>>>_________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia 
        gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: 
        And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>>>WITNESS: I 
        forget..
>>>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of 
        something you 
        forgot?
>>>>___________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: Now 
        doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't 
        know about it until the next morning?
>>>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass 
        the bar exam?
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: 
        The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
>>>>WITNESS: He's 20, 
        much like your 
        IQ.
>>>>___________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were you 
        present when your picture was taken?
>>>>WITNESS: Are you shitting 
        me?
>>>>_________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: So the 
        date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>>>WITNESS: 
        Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>>>WITNESS: 
        Getting 
        laid
>>>>____________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: 
        She had three children , right?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How many 
        were boys?
>>>>WITNESS: None.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were there any 
        girls?
>>>>WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can 
        I get a new 
        attorney?
>>>>____________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: 
        How was your first marriage terminated?
>>>>WITNESS: By 
        death..
>>>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>>>WITNESS: 
        Take a 
        guess.
>>>>___________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: 
        Can you describe the individual?
>>>>WITNESS: He was about medium height 
        and had a beard
>>>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>>>WITNESS: 
        Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with 
        male.
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: Is your 
        appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I 
        sent to your attorney?
>>>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to 
        work.
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor , 
        how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead 
        people?
>>>>WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a 
        fight.
>>>>_________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: ALL 
        your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>>>>WITNESS: 
        Oral...
>>>>_________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: Do you 
        recall the time that you examined the body?
>>>>WITNESS: The autopsy 
        started around 8:30 PM
>>>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the 
        time?
>>>>WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I 
        finished.
>>>>____________________________________________
>>>>ATTORNEY: 
        Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>>>WITNESS: Are you qualified 
        to ask that 
        question?
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>And 
        last:
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you 
        check for a pulse?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood 
        pressure?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for 
        breathing?
>>>>WITNESS: No..
>>>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that 
        the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>>>>WITNESS: 
        No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>>WITNESS: Because his 
        brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the 
        patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, it is 
        possible that he could have been alive and practicing 
        law.
>>>>
>>>>   
>> 
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