[BITList] EMAIL TODAY ABOUT AUSSIE , NUFF SAID
John Feltham
wantok at me.com
Thu Jan 19 01:03:43 GMT 2012
This must have been it..
WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)
We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from////New
Zealand)
And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the
right to bitch
And moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
First, there's Victoria , named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final
day and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's
livable'..
At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody
cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
Its capital, Sydney , has more queens than any other city in the world
and is proud of it.
Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their speedos up their cracks
to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania , a state based on the notion that the
family that bonks together stays together.
In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.
Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. //
SA//is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels
as in Snowtown,
Just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the track caused
the Formula
One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work, and the
extra sun would fade the curtains
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still
work there in the
Government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe , Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru
and dusty kids with big smiles.
It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and
its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too.
Although the Territory is the center piece of our national culture, few
of us live there
And the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali .
And there's Queensland .............While any mention of God seems silly
in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth
noting that God probably made Queensland- it's beautiful one day and
perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra . The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
lust for international recognition.
Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.
We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be right
mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our national anthem.
(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race
And still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all
the sports that count,
Like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed
Olympians in the known universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian.
You can sort out the formatting yourself.
ooroo
More information about the BITList
mailing list