[BITList] The Royal Navy

[franka]

Don't laugh - we're not far behind!!
  Frank

John A.C.Cartner has sent in this news of pioneering thinking in the 
Royal Navy.  Since war is against the law, providing for alternative 
uses of naval craft shows real thinking outside the box:-
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having 
initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the 
Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed 
them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named 
HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and 
comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and 
human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with 
wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to 
reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of 
compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs 
a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with 
the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line w ith 
Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will 
come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same 
deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but 
cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, 
sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is 
to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now 
been extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be 
obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavors, except Capstan Full 
Strength. Noone wishes to encourage smoking in any way.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is 
to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on 
notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. 
Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow 
beards or mustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The 
MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is 
considered to be offensive to minorities.
The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a 
ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who 
will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the 
water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants 
aross the channel to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in 
modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with 
any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules".

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://lists.bcn.mythic-beasts.com/pipermail/bitlist/attachments/20120203/5e8b3273/attachment.shtml