[BITList] Fwd: Frank Carson jokes

[Michael Feltham]

Begin forwarded message:

From: Ian Moyes 
Subject: FW: Frank Carson jokes
Date: 18 April 2012 19:55:49 GMT+01:00


 


 

 

Subject: FW: Frank Carson jokes
 
 
 
 
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off
with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.




A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to
brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any
time....




I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!




My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so
I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I
thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.




I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if
I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.



I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
-thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.



My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing
my Bagpipes.



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod
that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"



Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The
operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the
ironing is building up!”



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At
least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.



I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was
petrified.



A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around
and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a
wheelchair.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die
you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She
said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not
listening.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to
prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all
her clothes back.



The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the
kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting
and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through
the change."



When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying
that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was
a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have
to reverse the bloomin thing



Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has
stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the
attacker could be following some kind of pattern.



Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off
before I could eat it!



A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a
tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The
bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins
at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the
teddy bears have their picks nicked




Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being
hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service








It's the way I tell em .
 
 
 
 
 

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