[BITList] The Battle of Trafalgar (Updated)

[franka]

old but of the times
frank


Hardy: " Sir, the message is hoisted."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags.  What's the 
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her 
duty,regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious 
persuasion or disability.' -What gobbledegook is this,for God's sake ?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.  We're an equal opportunities 
employernow.   We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the 
censors, lest it beconsidered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy.   Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir.   All naval vessels have now been designated 
smoke-free workingenvironments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.   Let us splice the 
mainbrace tosteel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  Its part of the 
Government'spolicy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy.     I suppose we'd better get on with it 
........... fullspeed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this 
stretch ofwater."

Nelson: "Damn it man!  We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in 
history.We must advance with all dispatch.     Report from the crow's 
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What ?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.     No 
harness; and theysaid that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They 
won't let anyone up there untila proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access?    I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir.    We have to provide a 
barrier-free environmentfor the differently abled."


Nelson: "Differently abled ?     I've only one arm and one eye and I 
refuse even tohear mention of the word.    I didn't rise to the rank of 
admiral by playing thedisability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.    The Royal Navy is under represented 
in the areas ofvisual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next?      Give me full sail.    The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir.  Health and safety won't 
let the crewup the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone 
breathing in too muchsalt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy.  Break out the cannon and tell 
the men tostand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny !"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir.    It's just that they're afraid of being 
charged withmurder if they actually kill anyone.  There's a couple of 
legal-aid lawyers onboard, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners 
now.According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in 
this stretch ofwater.  We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying 
that sir.You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir.   We must be inclusive in this multicultural 
age.    Now puton your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.     It could save 
your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, 
sodomy and thelash ?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu !  And there's a ban on 
corporalpunishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy ?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy.


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