[BITList] Fw: More people like this and we wouldn't have a deficit

[John Davison]

A real reply from the Inland Revenue .  The Guardian newspaper had to ask for 
special permission to print it.  The funniest part of this is imagining the 
content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply .  

 

  

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our 
latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.. I will 
address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging 
letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This 
is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, 
traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent 
whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" 
has been noted.   However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to 
which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper 
councils,  Lombardy  pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might 
indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of 
emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my own 
organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a 
"lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see 
you as a citizen of  Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the 
upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in 
your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore up the canker-blighted, 
toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation 
ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you 
to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself.    The estimates you provide 
for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst 
colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark.    Less than you seem to 
imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing 
whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for 
example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the 
vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else 
to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal 
Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved 
would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime,whilst I would not in any way wish to 
influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if 
you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in  India " 
you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely, 

H J Lee 
Customer Relations 
Inland Revenue   
 
  
 
 

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