[BITList] Jokes For A Change?
franka
franka at iinet.net.au
Sun Jan 9 06:24:51 GMT 2011
** A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to
his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' ***
*
**The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' ***
*
**The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.' ***
*
**The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. **
**For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box.' ***
*
**The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
then walked over to the poor box. ***
*
**He paused for a moment and then started to leave. ***
*
**The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor
box!' ***
*
**The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the
box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it
in!' ***
*
**Lemon Squeeze*******
*
**There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' ***
**The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' **
*
**The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times.' ***
*
**The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze
seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' ***
*
**The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' ***
*
**The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of
your face.' ***
*
**Looks of Disappointment*******
*
**A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,
and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered
open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep
again. ***
*
**His wife had never heard him say that before, so she
stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered
open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed
because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' ***
*
**She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' ***
*
**The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' ***
*
**C****atholic Dog*******
*
**Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went
to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead...
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' ***
*
**Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church.... But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' ***
*
**Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' ***
*
**Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?**
****
**Donation*******
*
**Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father
O'Malley?' ***
*
**'It is!' ***
*
**'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?' ***
*
**'I can!' **
**'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' ***
*
**'I do!' ***
*
**'Is he a member of your congregation?' ***
*
**'He is!' ***
*
**'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' ***
*
**'He will.' ***
*
**Confession*******
*
**An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues: ***
*
**Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70
years, many children, grandchildren, and great
grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,
hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each
of them three times.' ***
*
**Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' ***
*
**Man: 'What sins?' ***
*
**Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' ***
*
**Man: 'I'm Jewish.' ***
*
**Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' ***
*
**Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!' ***
*
**Brothel Trip*******
*
**An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he
would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks
at the ancient man and asks how old he is. ***
*
**'I'm 90 years old,' he says. ***
*
**'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had
it?' ***
*
**'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' ***
*
**Senility*******
*
**An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think
I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten
to zip up.' ***
**'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is
when you forget to zip down.' **
*
**Pest****Control*******
*
**A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish
inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they
were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband
arrived home unexpectedly. ***
*
**'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!'
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. ***
*
**The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search
of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. ***
*
**'Who are you?' he asked him.. ***
*
**'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the
exterminator. ***
*
**'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.. ***
*
**'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of
moths,' the man replied. ***
*
**'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. ***
*
**The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little
bastards!'.. ***
*
****/*/_Marriage Humour _/*/*/_
_/******
**_Wife: _**** 'What are you doing?' **
*
**_Husband: _**** Nothing. ***
*
**_Wife: _**** 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.' ***
*
**_Husband: _**** 'I was looking for the expiration
date.' **
**------------------------------- ***
*
**_Wife _****: 'Do you want dinner?' ***
*
**_Husband: _****'Sure! What are my choices?' ***
*
**_Wife: _********'Yes or no.' ***
****
**-------------------------------------------------------- ***
**_Stress Reliever _***_
_*
**_Girl: _****'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' ***
*
**_Boy: _****'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't
have any worries or troubles.' ***
*
**_Girl: _****'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.' **
**------------------------------ **
*
**_Son: _****'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this
morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' **
*
**_Mom: _****'Well, you have done the right thing.' ***
*
**_Son: _****'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' **
**______________________________ **
**A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have
married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' ***
*
**'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' **
**------------------------------------------------------------
***
****
**A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my
pretty face or my sexy body?' **
*
**He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like
your sense of humour!' ***
**___________________________________***
**_Husbands are husbands _***_
_*
**A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him
round the head with a frying pan. ***
**'What was that for?' the man asked. **
**The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the
name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.. **
**The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny
was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and
went on with the housework.. **
**Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife
bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,
knocking him unconscious. **
**Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had
hit again. **
**Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned' **
*****
**Let us pray..................... ***
**Give me a sense of humor, Lord, **
**Give me the grace to see a joke, **
**To get some humor out of life, **
**And pass it on to other folks. ***
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