[BITList] DISORDER IN THE COURT

[franka]

    Good for a chuckle but a sad reflection on the state of some of the
    practitioners
    frank



        *T**hese are from a book called /Disorder in the American
        Courts/, and are things people actually said in court, word for
        word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had
        the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
        taking place.
        *
        *
        1. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
        that morning?
        WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
        ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
        WITNESS: My name is Susan!
        **____________________________________________

        2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
        WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
        ____________________________________________
        **
        3. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
        WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
        **____________________________________________

        4. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory
        at all?
        WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
        WITNESS: I forget..
        ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
        you forgot?
        ___________________________________________
        **
        5. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
        in voodoo?
        WITNESS: We both do.
        ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
        WITNESS: We do..
        ATTORNEY: You do?
        WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
        **____________________________________________

        6. ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies
        in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

        WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
        ____________________________________
        **
        7. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
        WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
        **___________________________________________

        8. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
        WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
        _________________________________________
        **
        9. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
        WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
        WITNESS: Having sex.
        **____________________________________________

        10. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
        WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
        WITNESS: None.
        ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
        WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
        get a new attorney?
        ____________________________________________
        **
        11. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
        WITNESS: By death..
        ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
        WITNESS: Take a guess.
        **____________________________________________

        12. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
        WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
        ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
        WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
        _____________________________________
        **
        13. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
        deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
        WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
        **______________________________________

        14. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you
        performed on dead people?
        WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
        _________________________________________
        **
        15. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school
        did you go to?
        WITNESS: Oral...
        **_________________________________________

        16. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
        WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
        ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
        WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
        ____________________________________________
        **
        17. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
        WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
        **______________________________________

        And last:

        18. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
        check for a pulse?
        WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
        WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
        WITNESS: No..
        ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
        when you began the autopsy?
        WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
        WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
        ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
        nevertheless?
        WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
        practicing law.*

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