[BITList] TAZER

[franka]

    *ONLY A MAN*
    *WOULD ATTEMPT THIS*

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    *_Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife._*
    /A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
    anniversary submitted this:/

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
    looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
    across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
    long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
    time to retreat to safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
    home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
    button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
    pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
    time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
    between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
    burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
    thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
    blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
    if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
    one hand, and Tazer in another.

    _The directions said that:_
    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
    loss of bodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
    the ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy,
    bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself,
    'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
    one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one
    second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that
    bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me
    up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
    and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
    the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
    nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
    tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
    legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
    clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
    in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over
    the living room.

    *_Note:_*
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
    at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
    and surveyed the landscape.

        * My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
        * The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
          it originally was.
        * My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
        * My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
          bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
        * I had no control over the drooling.
        * Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to
          know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
        * I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came
          from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant
    reward for their safe return!

    *_PS:_*My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the
    gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!





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