[BITList] Curry Tasters Report

[franka]

**

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who 
was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. 
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to 
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer 
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a 
couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and 
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I 
accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

______________________________________

*Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry*

*JUDGE ONE:*A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

*JUDGE TWO:*Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

*Paul: *Holy shit!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried 
paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I 
hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even 
begin to think this tastes like food.

____________________________________________

*Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry *

*JUDGE ONE:*Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

*JUDGE TWO:*Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

*Paul:*Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am 
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted 
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when 
they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking 
piss off a thistle.

____________________________________________

*Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry*

*JUDGE ONE:*Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

*JUDGE TWO:*A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

*Paul:*Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like 
I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me 
more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my 
back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting shit-faced 
from all the beer.

____________________________________________

*Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster *

*JUDGE ONE:*Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

*JUDGE TWO:*Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or 
other mild foods, not much of a curry.

*Paul:*I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to 
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, 
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bitch is 
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry 
an aphrodisiac?

____________________________________________

*Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover *

*JUDGE ONE:*Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding 
considerable kick. Very impressive.

*JUDGE TWO:*Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit 
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

*Paul: *My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can 
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed 
hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended 
when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder 
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a 
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off 
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House 
and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

____________________________________________

*Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety*

*JUDGE ONE:*Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of 
spice and peppers.

*JUDGE TWO: *The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and 
garlic. Superb!

*Paul:*My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and 
dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames 
leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been 
rogered with a red hot poker and I've just shit myself when I farted and 
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to 
stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I 
thought. I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow 
cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my arsehole will go down for a 
drink of water.

____________________________________________

*Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry *

*JUDGE ONE:*A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

*JUDGE TWO:*Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of 
curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about 
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing 
uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers 
appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

*Paul:*You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't 
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds 
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which 
slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard 
away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are 
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the 
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, 
it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need 
air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten 
in my stomach.

____________________________________________

*Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry*

*JUDGE ONE:*A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, 
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

*JUDGE TWO:*This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor 
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed 
out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure 
if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot 
curry?

*Paul: *--------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report




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