[BITList] Marriott Edgar Monologues - Usually spoken by Stanley Holloway.

[John Feltham]

THREE HA'PENCE A FOOT

I'll tell you an old fashioned story
That Grandfather used to relate
Of a joiner and building contractor
'Is name, it were Sam Oglethwaite

In a shop on the banks of the Irwell
Old sam used to follow 'is trade
In a place you'll have 'eard of, called Bury
You know, where black puddins is made
One day, Sam were filling a knot 'ole
Wi' putty, when in thro' the door
Came an old feller fair wreathed i' whiskers
T'ould chap said 'Good morning, I'm Noah'

Sam asked Noah what was 'is business
And t'ould chap went on to remark
That not liking the look of the weather
'E were thinking of building an Ark

'E'd gotten the wood for the bulwarks
And all t'other shipbuilding junk
And he wanted some nice Bird's Eye Maple
To panel the side of 'is bunk

Now Maple were Dam's Mon--o-po-ly
That means it were all 'is to cut
And nobody else 'adnt got none,
So 'e asked Noah three ha'pence a foot

'A ha'penny too much' replied Noah
'Penny a foot's more the mark;
A penny a foot and when rain comes
I'll give you a ride in me Ark

But neither would budge in the bargain
The whole daft thing were kind of a jam
So Sam put 'is tongue out at Noah
And Noah made 'Long Bacon' at Sam

In wrath and ill-feeling they parted 
Not knowing when they'd meet again
And sam had forgot all about it
'Til one day it started to rain

It rained and it rained for a fortni't
And flooded the 'ole countryside
It rained and it kep' on raining
Till the Irwell were fifty miles wide

The 'ouses were soon under water
And folks on the roof 'ad to climb
The sid 'twas the rottenest summer
That Bury 'ad 'ad for some time

The rain showed no sign of abating
The water rose hour by hour
'Til the only dry land were at Blackpool
And that were on top of the Tower

So Sam started swimming to Blackpool
It took 'im best part of a week
'Is clothes were wet through when 'e got there
And 'is boots were beginning to leak

'E stood to 'is watch chain in water
On Towere top, just before dark
When who should come sailing towards 'im
But old Noah, steering 'is Ark

They stared at each other in ssilence
'Til Ark were alongside, all but
Then Noah said 'What price yer Maple?
Sam answered 'Three ha'pence a foot'

Noah said 'Nay; I'll make thee an offer
The same as I did t'other day
A penny a foot and a free ride
Now, come on lad, what does tha say?

'Three ha'pence a foot' came the answer
So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist
And sailed off again in a dudgeon
While Sam stood determined, but moist

Noah cruised around, flying 'is pigeons
'Til fortieth day of the wet
And on 'is way back, passing Blackpool
'E saw old Sam standing there yet

"is chin just stuck out of the water
A comical figure 'e cut
Noah said 'Now what's the price of yer Maple?
Sam answered 'Three ha'pence a foot'

Said Noah 'ye'd best take my offer
It's last time I'll be hereabout
And if water comes half an inch higher
I'll happen get Maple for nought

'Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost yer
And as fer me' Sam said 'dont fret
The sky's took a turn since this morning
I think it'll brighten up yet'.