[BITList] Fwd: Bankers

[Michael Feltham]

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Allan Lee McKay" 
Date: 11 January 2010 20:06:08 GMT
To: "Michael Feltham" <mj.feltham at madasafish.com>
Subject: Bankers

Subject: FW: Bankers!


             This is a good example of what we should all 
             Be doing.. Not just to the Bankers either !


> 
> A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager 
> thought it amusing enough to have it published in “The Times”.
> 
> 
> Dear Sir,
> 
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I 
> endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
> 
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his 
> presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed 
> to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of 
> my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only 
> thirty eight years.
> 
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, 
> and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the 
> inconvenience caused to your bank.
> 
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has 
> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
> 
> I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and 
> letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, 
> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. 
> 
> 
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood 
> person..
> My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be 
> automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally 
> and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. 
> 
> Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other 
> person to open such an envelope.
> 
> Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your 
> chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in 
> order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, 
> there is no alternative.
> 
> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be 
> countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her 
> financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be 
> accompanied by documented proof.
> 
> In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she 
> must quote in dealings with me.
> 
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have 
> modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my 
> account balance on your phone bank service.
> 
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> 
> Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press 
> buttons as follows:
> 
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> 2. To query a missing payment..
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> 7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer 
> is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to 
> the Authorized Contact.)
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be 
> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
> 
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music 
> will play for the duration of the call.
> 
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an 
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> 
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
> 
> Your Humble Client
> 
> 



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