[BITList] Fwd: Tommy Cooper Jokes

[John Feltham]

FOR ALL THE POMS OUT THERE THAT REMEMBER TOMMY, I DO AND I AIN'T,(a  
Pom that is.)

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the
hammer.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said  
'Who's
speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I
careered off the road.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5  
people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.  
Or
my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But I think  
it's
Colin.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke  
up
this morning and the pillow was gone.

Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster.
So he brought a lobster.
I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.'
He said 'It's been in a fight'.
I said 'Bring me the winner'.

I went to the doctor the other Day, I said to him "I've broken my arm in
several places.
He said to me "you shouldn't go to those places"

This man says to me "my dog's got no nose"
So I said to him "How does he smell?"
"Terrible"

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of  
potatoes
please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos ... so the man says,  
alright
then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat"
I said "Why not?"
He said "We don't give him any"

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and I said I want to buy an
ice-cream'.
He said hundreds & thousands?'I said 'We'll start with one.'

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So  
that
was nice.

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (camply) 'Make up your mind.'

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant  
lying on
the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the
elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a
circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him,
reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him  
on
the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat git"

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up  
and
starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. Just looking.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs  
and
put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."



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Bad typists of the word, untie.




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