[BITList] Fwd: For all redneck handymen

[John Feltham]

For all of you who have been touched  , this will bring back memories.
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Electric Fence- This is  Funny!!  Actually, This is Hysterical

Obviously written by a guy, so forgive his somewhat explicit  
expressions... A bit gross, but still humorous...

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing  
an electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,  
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and  
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.  Actually, I got the  
biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the  
ground.  The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the  
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel  
push mower.  The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.  I  
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower  
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the  
way. It seems as though I hadn't
Remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right  
hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand.  Keep in mind  
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of  
an upside down cow on fire on the cover.  Time stood still. The first  
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my  
body.  My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower  
ignition firing in the backside of my brain..  Every time that Briggs  
& Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.  I was  
literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were  
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time.  I beg  
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied  
3 different times in less than half of a second.  It was a Matrix kind  
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned  
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.   It seemed  
like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close  
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8  
grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto  
the fence wire.  My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I  
can't let go.  I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric  
fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International  
or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could  
not let go of.  The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals  
from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.  At this  
point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until  
the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough.  It has settled into a  
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in  
it.  Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think  
'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'.   But nooooo, it settles into  
the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore  
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right  
foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,  
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.   God did not  
take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to  
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up  
laying on the ground hours later.  The lawnmower was beside me, out of  
gas.  It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two  
large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another  
long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the  
ground still holding on to it.   I assume I finally had a seizure and  
in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.   Upon  
waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek  
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad  
as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now.  Seriously! I think our  
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because  
it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot  
long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of  
the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect  
for               things.  I appreciate the little things more, and  
now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I  
mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I  
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT  
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to  
triple check before I mow.













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ooroo

If you don't hear the knock of opportunity - build a door.

Anon.



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