[BITList] QANTAS Airlines : Repair Division

[FS]

 In case you need a laugh : Remember it takes a university degree to fly
 a plane,  but only a TAFE diploma to fix one
 After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "Gripe Sheet"
  which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
  correct the problems :  document their repairs on the form , and then
  pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
  
 Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour  
 Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots
  (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
  maintenance engineers.
  
 By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal
  accident.
  
* P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
* S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre
* *
* P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough
* S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
**  
* P: Something loose in cockpit
* S; Something tightened in cockpit
**  
* P: Dead bugs on windshield
* S: Live bugs on back order
**  
* P:Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
* descent* 
* S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground
* * 
* P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
* S: Evidence removed
* *
* P: DME volume unbelievably loud
* S: DME volume set to more believable level
* *  
* P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
*  S: That's what friction locks are for.
* * 
* P: IFF inoperative in OFF Mode
* S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
**  
* P:Suspect crack in windshield
* S: Suspect you're right
* P: Number 3 engine missing
* S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
**  
* P: Aircraft handles funny ............(I love this one !!)
* S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious
**  
* P: Target radar hums
* S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
**  
* P: Mouse in cockpit
* S: Cat installed
* * 
* And the best one for last
**  
* P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, Sounds like a midget
* pounding on something with a hammer
* S: Took hammer away from midget
*