[BITList] IRISH DECLARATION OF WAR

[John Feltham]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy  
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland .. I am ringing to  
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to  
reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How  
big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is  
myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire  
darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my  
army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is  
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks  
and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army  
to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is  
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified  
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the  
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must  
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My  
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile  
sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.  
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden  
change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness  
and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed  
200,000 prisoners .'


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