[BITList] Lawyers

[CT's]

Rumor has it that a significant number of politicians in d.c. are lawyers.............They'd fit right in here.

 

Sometimes, you wonder if Shakespeare was right?

 



  



      These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
      and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
      while these exchanges were actually taking place.



      ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

      WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

      ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

      WITNESS: My name is Susan!

      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

      WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.




      ____________________________________________

      ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

      WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

      ____________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

      WITNESS:  Yes.

      ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

      WITNESS: I forget.

      ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

      ___________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

      WITNESS: We both do.

      ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

      WITNESS: We do.

      ATTORNEY: You do?

      WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

      ____________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
      he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

      WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

      ____________________________________




      ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

      WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

      ___________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

      WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

      _________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

      WITNESS: Yes.

      ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

      WITNESS: Getting laid

      ____________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

      WITNESS: Yes.

      ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

      WITNESS: None.

      ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

      WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
      attorney?

      ____________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

      WITNESS: By death.

      ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

      WITNESS: Take a guess.

      ____________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

      WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

      ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

      WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

      _____________________________________




      ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
      notice which I sent to your attorney?

      WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

      ______________________________________




      ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
      people?

      WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

      _________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

      WITNESS: Oral.

      _________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

      ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

      WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

      ____________________________________________




      ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

      WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

      ______________________________________

      And the best for last:

      ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
      pulse?

      WITNESS: No.

      ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

      WITNESS: No.

      ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

      WITNESS: No.

      ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
      the autopsy?

      WITNESS: No.

      ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

      ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
      law.






       

       
     



 

 






-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://lists.bcn.mythic-beasts.com/pipermail/bitlist/attachments/20090421/69fd0a26/attachment.shtml