[BITList] From my friend George

[Tom Gardiner]

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  Subject:    You can't beat Jewish humor or Jewish Philosophy

             Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.

                         He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

                         'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps                           		out, the place is only closed  three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?'

                         'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips 		to Israel for you and your wife.'

                         'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling.

                         'Well... We also deliver.'

                        

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                         Rhoda and Irwin, a retired couple living in Boca Raton , are getting ready to go out to dinner.

                         Rhoda says, 'Irwin, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?'

                         Irwin says, 'Do I care?'

                         A few minutes later Rhoda says,

                         'Irwin, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?'

                         Irwin says, 'Who cares?'

                         A few more minutes pass and Rhoda says, 'Irwin, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my 				six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?'

                         Irwin says, 'Rhoda, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your tuchas, we're going to 				miss the Early Bird Special."

                        

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                         Q. What's the difference between kosher dietary laws, and women?

                         A. You can understand women.

                        

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                         Two immigrants meet on the street.

                         'How's by you?' asks one.

             

                         'Could be worse. And you?'

             

                         'Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a fortune. In the past five months, 				I've spent over $10,000 on doctors and medicine.'

             

                         'Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for two years.'

                        

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                         Yiddish Proverbs

             

                         A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.

             

                         Don't judge a man by the words of his mother, listen to the comments of his neighbors.

             

                         If the Rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poor could make a wonderful living.

             

                         The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.

             

                         Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.

             

                         What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

             

                         When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.

                        

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                         Morris is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a 				concentration camp. He's now nearing

                         90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success.

                         But then he wins the big one,  a prize of $10 million, and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a 				story. 

                         Morris tells him, 'As I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp, this has helped me 			decide how to make use of my large win.

                         So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal 				Centre, $750,000 to the  Jewish Museum,$750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my 					Friends.  I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket

                         to the Nazi party.'

                         The journalist is surprised. 'But Morris, how can you think of donating

                         even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that's happened to you and

                         your family?'

                         Morris rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies,

                         'It's only fair. They gave me the winning numbers.'

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                         My cousin Murray runs a pawnshop, I asked him to appraise my grandfather's violin.

                         'Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid,' he explained.

                         'What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?' I asked.

                         'If you're buying it from me, it's a violin.

                         If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle!