[BITList] Service Writing

[John Feltham]

Service Writing

BY KAPIL BHARGAVA

A clue in a recent Times of India crossword triggered off memories of  
the way English was used in the Indian Air Force (IAF). The clue read,  
“Let a close friend know”. The answer was easy: intimate. The most  
common method of communication in the IAF was the signal. It was like  
the telex and used telegraphese. If instructions were issued through a  
signal, the last sentence usually read, “INTIMATE ALL CONCERNED”. This  
implied that you did not just inform everyone who was involved but  
intimated them, meaning that they, and only they, became privy to the  
secret contents of the signal. My friend Johnny explained to me why he  
had gone off this word and prohibited it at the Air Force station he  
was commanding, in the forlorn north-east.

An airman lodged a complaint that a bachelor colleague was having  
illicit relations with his wife. There was enough aggro for the  
problem to come up before the Station Commander. He called the  
bachelor and gave him a good talking to. The airman kept denying that  
he had done anything wrong. Shouting at him produced no confession.  
Finally, on the promise of immunity he was asked, “Have you or have  
you not been intimate with your colleague’s wife?” The scared bachelor  
thought over this new development for a while and in a weak voice  
said, “Yes sir, I intimated her two or three times”.

A clue in the crossword a day earlier was about a washerwoman from  
whom you had to remove Los Angeles and take off. The answer obviously  
was undress. Another Air Marshal friend of mine recited the story of  
his involvement with one. He was on inspection visits to some out- 
station units. He was flying to three of them in one day and spending  
the night in the last one. His meticulous staff officer realised that  
three changes of uniform would be involved. He sent a signal to the  
last unit, which read, “URGENT REQUEST FROM AIR MARSHAL WOMAN REQUIRED  
THIS EVENING STOP PLEASE ENSURE STOP”. When he received his  
confirmatory copy of the signal he was horrified to note that he had  
left out the critical word. He followed his first signal with another  
ops immediate one which read, “REF MY SIG EARLIER TODAY STOP PLEASE  
INSERT WASHER BETWEEN AIR MARSHAL AND WOMAN STOP PLEASE CONFIRM STOP”.

When I joined the RIAF in 1948, we had a considerable British  
influence as our legacy.

Immediately on arrival, all of us cadets were issued kit, which were  
supposed to contain everything we would need. One of the items was an  
Early Treatment Packet. We soon learned that it was to be used to  
prevent VD, now renamed STD. It was withdrawn soon enough and instead  
we got lectures on our morals. Another packet was referred to as a  
huzziff, a pronunciation apparently inherited from the Brits. This one  
was quite a mystery. Its contents turned out to be buttons, needles  
and threads with colours matching our uniforms. We were obviously  
expected to replace our own buttons and put in a stitch in time to  
save nine. Our instructors used to inspect our dormitory for Kit  
Marshal. For this, we had to lay out all our kit on the neatly made  
beds with everything in its pre-defined place. The huzziff was kept on  
the pillow. We had to show that our kit conformed to Form 1383 which  
listed all items.

Curious to find out if a huzziff was mentioned in it, I looked at the  
1383 card. It wasn’t. Instead, the item read, “HOUSEWIFE, QUANTITY 1,  
CADETS FOR THE USE OF." We wished.